Today was a very quiet day. John has been home since about 9 this morning, but has spent much of the day in his room, the only room with an air conditioner, with the door closed. He worked last night, so he has slept off and on. He did cook supper, which was hamburger steaks, mashed potatoes, homemade onion gravy, and canned beans. Supper was not exactly great on my blood pressure, but it was super tasty. He should have been a chef. Cooking is one thing that eases his stress and anxiety. He also brought me roses. He did not pay anything for them (they were about to be thrown away) and are past their prime, but it is the thought that counts.  Right now, they are in a bucket of water in the bathtub because I may be coming down with a cold and they make me sneeze.  My husband is not a bad man; he just has his faults, but so do I.

I have many faults, some will never be listed here, but one major fault is that I am more of a ponderer than a doer. But I am making efforts to change that.

Recently, I started selling stuff left over from the store on that greatest of online yard sales, Ebay. I have spent some of my money on necessary items plus a few luxuries.  Soon, I will open my own bank account.  But a bigger change may be coming, one I dread, but for things to get better, it may have to be done.

I asked my husband for something unusual for my 50th birthday (which is in a week). I asked him to take off the trash. We are not talking one or two bags, more like forty or more. They are everywhere – in a spare bedroom, the hall, the dining room, the middle room, the living room, the kitchen. The blocked off den with the roof caving in is full of them. While he was in jail, I piled bags from the house into the front yard. There they still sit, along with boxes of rotting produce (more dumpster finds). I told him I could not take it much longer. So, if he does not haul off much of the garbage in the next week, I will leave, at least for a few days.

This is an ongoing struggle. If I could drive, I would take them off myself. Back in October, I threatened to leave if he did not get the bags hauled off. Only I didn’t have a place to go then. He didn’t take them off and I did not leave. I wrote a poem about it and posted it on my other blog –

He will scream, curse, cry, beg, and demand I come back. He will say I am not being a submitful wife.  He may threaten to kill himself. But I have set my resolve and will not waver.  Something needs to be done to get us out of this despairing life. He needs to be spurred to action. I thought jail would have given him a wake-up call, but it didn’t.  The way things are going, he will probably end up there again. Maybe me leaving will be the push he needs to straighten his life out. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done.

I figured a way to break it gently (hopefully). I will tell him that I need a break from the mess. Being here constantly, it can be depressing.  A family member said I could stay with her. I do not plan on it being permanent. 

My goal in this is to let John know that enough is enough. I hope it will repair our marriage, not destroy it. Only time will tell.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.