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Before I go further in my story I feel I need to explain why I am still with John. During the abusive years, I wanted to run and take my children to safety.  I just did not know how to do it.  When it started, I told my sister, but she confronted John, which  made it worse for me. Part of the reason I kept quiet was because I didn’t think anyone would believe me.  If I would have heard it, I would have a tough time believing it.  I knew there were battered women’s shelters, but only a small portion of what I suffered was physical. I didn’t realize that they could help me.  

I even went as far as to leave a note explaining my situation in a book at the library.  I don’t know if anyone found the note.  I didn’t want to tell my parents. My mother had her hands full with my daddy, who had Parkinson’s with dementia.  

After my father died, I did write a note to my mother, explaining some of what I went through. Before the day was out, she told my siblings, several other relatives, her neighbors, and even a few strangers. She did not even really understand the situation as she had never suffered spousal abuse.  At first, she was trying to help me get away from him, and even contacted an attorney.  But then she talked with a preacher who said that I should stay with John, and she stopped helping me. 

Now, I no longer suffer the abuse, but things are still bad, just in a different way. I tried to leave him last year, but he said he would kill himself if I did. I even gave him an ultimatum,  saying if he did not make repairs on the house, I would leave. He didn’t and I stayed. 

Part of my problem is I am weak willed. Part of it is that my heart aches for him. I do not want to hurt him. He is a very broken man. By  staying with him all these years, I am broken, too.

It is taking a lot of nerve to write this blog. The shy, scared, young mother is now almost 50 and willing to tell the unbelievable.  So I share my story. 

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